Warning: Undergoing Construction

01 Jan

This Christmas Break, I have been thrown into a massive reevaluation of my spiritual life and beliefs.

Don’t worry; I’m not leaving Christianity.  I am just questioning what I believe and why; running my faith through the fire, making sure that I am entirely committed to what I believe.

This has been a multi-step process.

The day before I flew home, I was talking to a chick about God.  I came to a brick wall when I discovered that she doesn’t think the world needs saving.  I made the mistake of saying that we are helpless without God to save ourselves.  She said that she doesn’t need a god to be a good person, believing that we can take the initiative to make good decisions, reach out to others, and live good lives.  This sort of shook me up.  It made me wonder: Is trying to be a good person and enjoy life all that living is about?

The day I flew home, I accidentally found myself in a Muslim prayer service, a story I have already told you.  Sitting in that service, I tried to observe the participants and find any truth to what they believe.  My general impression is that they, too, were trying to live good lives, do good works, and please Allah.  I hope I left with a bit more understanding and respect for the Islamic religion.  This made me wonder: What makes Christianity different from any other religion?

I am in the midst of many questions.

I believe in God.  I know I can never turn my back on Him, because He is not a concept.  He is a Person.

One who, for some reason, loves me unconditionally.

Some of the major things I am coming to terms with are my own insecurities and self-deceptions, things I never knew about myself. Growing up, I think I shut my mind to the idea that I am not perfect.  I have been a Christian since I was little, have been growing in my relationship with God, and have desired to have the same heart that God has.  Yet I was blind as to how different trains of thought about myself I had grown up with were not true.  There is a lot about myself I still need to learn the truth about.

For example, my smiles.

If I am in public, especially with friends, I am usually smiling.  True, God has given me joy that does not depend on my surroundings.  I do have a cheerful personality.  But I have a suspicion.  I have a fake smile that I was not aware of.  I think I may smile even if I don’t feel like it.  One of my friends has noticed it, which leads me to believe it is true.  I want to be real and authentic.  I’m going to think twice about whether I am really feeling the happiness I am displaying.

Yes, I am mentally going through a lot.

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Posted by on January 1, 2010 in Just Talking/Thinking


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